Guireans
on Film
–
Critiques
and
Reviews
In what
follows,
only the
Adjudicator's
Comments
on the
Guireans
Video
are
genuine.
All the
rest was
made up
by Ken
"Orson
Wellies"
Livingstone
in order
to boost
his
flagging movie
career
with a
bit of
notoriety:
The
Guireans
Video
Adjudication
Comments
from the
Scottish
Amateur
Useless
Film
Competition
(1981):
GUIREANS
‘VIDEO’
–
K.Livingston
The
panel
interpret
live
sound
filming
as using
the
actual
sounds
produced,
whether
speech
or
music,
at the
time of
filming,
but our
impression
is that
this was
a mimed
performance
to an
original
recording.
The
editing
was
interesting,
and the
variety
of
angles
helped
to add
impact.
Ken’s
‘Publicity’
Spiel
(for
whom,
exactly?):
THE
GUIREANS
VIDEO
(1981)
3mins
18f.p.s
This was
shot one
September
morning
with 3
cartridges
of
Kodakchrome
sound
film to
test the
feasibility
of
making a
multi-angle
pop
‘video’
with the
newly-acquired
Beaulieu
1008xL
camera.
The
cameramen
where
Ken
Livingstone
(for the
shots
which he
wasn’t
in
himself)
and
Alex
John
Kennedy
("popular"
Isles FM
DJ and
smoothie
ad
voice-over
merchant)
who also
took the
stills.
The
Guireans
(Gaelic
for
Acne)
were
formed
back in
1979 to
record
informally
as a
living-room
band.
Initially
they
were
hampered
by the
fact
that
only one
member,
Ken
Livingstone,
could
play an
instrument
– about
three
tunes on
the
guitar.
However,
this did
not
prevent
them
being
credited
with the
World’s
first
(and
last?)
(Gaelic)
punk
song –
‘Is Mise
Punk’,
as well
as such
classics
as ‘The
Dudes of
Melbost’,
‘Cailleach
Comedienne’
and
‘Hendrix
Mucus
for
Feedback
People’.
Their
initial
album,
Pronounced
Goo-thans,
went
silver
(with a
little
help
from
some
turkey
foil),
forming
part of
the
prolific
output
which
included
the
32-hit
compilation
‘C****y
A*o*e
Picks
The
Guireans’.
The
only
live
recorded
appearance
by the
Guireans
was at
the
notorious
‘Midges
of Rock’
festival
in the
Stornoway
Scout
Hall in
1983.
For the
rendition
of their
mega-single
‘Toilet
on the
Sea’,
they
used a
drum kit
symbolically
shaped
to
represent
several
toilet
bowls.
The
Guireans’
Video
was also
shown at
the
event,
confirming
the
group’s
dominance
as a
multi-media
force.
The
video, a
cover
version
of the
Deep
Purple
number,
‘Fireball’,
is
widely
regarded
as being
just as
good as
the
original,
a rare
achievement
in the
music
business.
What The
Critics
Said
Actually
what Ken
made up
- or
plagiarised
- on the
critics’
behalf
as part
of his
McLaren-inspired
attempts
to hype
his
video:
“Not
so much
a bunch
of
has-beens
as
never-will-be’s”
–
NME
“When
Ken
Livingstone
plays
the
guitar
it
sounds
as
though
the
strings
are
still
inside
the cat”
–
International
Musician
“We
liked
their
songs –
they
should
be set
to
music”
–
Melody
Maker
“I’d
rather
have my
ears
amputated
than
listen
to any
more of
this”
–
Leonard
Nimoy
“This is
the
record
that
deaf
people
have
been
waiting
for”
–
Daily
Mail <o:p></o:p>
“Gordon
Macleod
has no
discernible
singing
ability.
His
speciality
is
rhythm
songs
which he
renders
in an
indistinguishable
whine;
his
phrasing,
if it
can be
called
that,
consists
of the
stereotyped
variations
which
one
associates
witth a
Glasgwegian
bathtub”
–
The
Times
"The
Guireans
– more
maternity
suits
than
Mothercare”
–
My Guy
“The
band’s
combined
IQ may
be
approaching
double
figures”
–
MENSA
“Sounds
like
Frankie
Goes to
Hollywood
without
the
session
musicians”
–
Rolling
Stone
“A
compelling
case for
National
Service
to be
reintroduced”
–
Defence
Review
“A
compelling
argument
for the
reintroduction
of
Capital
Punishment”
–
Law and
Order
“Note
verie
gode”
–
The
Guardian
“If
Mr
Macleod’s
voice
were
trained
any
further
it would
wet the
floor”
–
Daily
Express
“Pass
the
cyanide”
–
Inverness
Courier
“The
inevitable
result
of
Picture
Chords”
–
Time
“John
‘Eagle
Eye’
Allan
seems
unable
to
distinguish
between
his
keyboards
and
playing
with a
lump of
plasticine”
–
Music
Week
“Wot, no
‘ealth
warnin’?”
– The
Sun
“If
this
record
cost 1
pence it
would be
overpriced”
–
Photolove
“It
appears
to be
some
kind of
concept
album of
a
sub-standard
band
with
frontal
lobotomies
tuning
up
broken
instruments”
-
Musician