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from the
Guireans
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LATEST NEWS:
29 July 2008 - Ken Is
Cruisin' : Plook CEO's Holiday Pics
Horror
A' ghiadh mhor!
Guireans manager and Plook Records
CEO Ken "Cap'n Borve" Livingstone
has been on holiday, swanning around
on a tropical cruise at his clients'
expense (again). The portly record
mogul has returned with a cameraful
of gruesome pictures of himself in
inappropriate holiday
attire, demanding that they should
all be posted on this site.
On grounds of
good taste we have refused to
publish all but one, so if you
really want to see Coinneach's
holiday snap,
Click Here.
But be warned
- that's an ordinary swimming pool
he's sitting in. It only looks
like a jaccuzi because our Coinneach was
in the habit of getting his money's
worth at the Captain's 24 Hour
All-You-Can-Eat Artichoke
Cabbage 'n' Bean Buffet. If you look
at the expression of the blone on
the left of the picture, you'll see
that this must be true.
28 March 2008
Chaymuss Petrie Is 40
Jimmy Petrie,
in Starsky Wig, not Yesterday
James "Chaymuss" Petrie (48),
"talented" drummer, keyboard player
and youngest of the original founder
Guireans, celebrated his 40th
Birthday the other day, but we've
only just remembered.
Despite having been
assassinated in 1980, and
living a wicked life ever since
(Rangers addiction, fast tractors,
Benbecula, smoking round the back of
Ge*rdie G*lidy's house, imaginary
ecclesiastical arson, more fast
tractors and Magners abuse), the
cove's not looking too bad on it.
At least he's still got his
hair. Many Happy Returns, ya jammy
bleigeard.
Feb
15, 2007:
Guireans
Manager
Diversifies
into Adult
Leisure
Services
(Crom)Wall
Street
Journal Feb
15:
Concerned at
the low Q4
profitability
of his Plook
Records
empire in
2006,
Guireans
manager Coinneach
"Huge
Heifer" Livingstone,
CA, has revealed plans to
extend his
portfolio
into the
lucrative
Adult
Leisure
Services
sector.
Arriving at
a press
conference
in the alley
behind the
Lewis, driving
a white
stretch
tractor with
leopardskin
upholstered
trailer,
Livingstone
(53)
announced
the
establishment
of an
international chain
of upmarket
"executive
relief"
centres stretching
from Laxdale
to Bridge
Cottages.
Livingstone
admitted
that that he
had so far
experienced
some
difficulty
recruiting
High
Class Laydeez (or
any other
ones) to
work in his
new vice
emporia, but
denied that
he was
having to
make up the
shortfall
by servicing his
customers'
contractual
requirements
personally
in the
interim.
The
press
conference
was abruptly
terminated
by the
arrival of a
Spanish
trawler at
No. 1 Pier,
at which
point the
Plook
CEO made his
excuses and
left,
applying
mascara and
muttering
something
about
"keeping
overheads
down".
26/3/2006 -
John Allan
Hits the Big
4-0!
Congratulations
to founding
Guirean John
Burrell
Allan, who
joins
the ranks of
post-menopausal
Guireans
today.
Credited as
"Drum
Botcher" and
"Keyboard
Botcher" on
the 1st
Guireans LP
in 1979,
John Allan
is now
Director of
Botching at
the North of
Scotland's
Number 1
Construction
Botching
organisation,
the
legendary
U*st
B*tch*rs.
John is also
alleged to
have led a
double life
as the slick
bryllcreemed frontman
of ultra-greasy doo-wop merchants
R*cky Sh*rpe
& the
R*plays. But
that probably
wasn't him.
Actorrrr set
to Make £££s in
R*bettes
Court Case
Roddy
Morrison
Telling a
Blone in the
Clachan that
he was going
to be
loaded,
yesterday
Newvalley
Musical
Express, 4
October 2005
:
Unemployed
Barony
Square
thespian and
occasional
"musician"
Rod
"Morison"
Morrison is
set to make
millions of
dollars from
this
weeks controversial
R*bettes
court case,
he told any
blone that
would speak
to him down
town
yesterday.
Two factions
of the
flat-capped
70s screech
merchants
are
currently
locked in a
vicious
court battle
for the
R*bettes
name (see
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/music/4308468.stm )
However,
emaciated wannabee
Time Lord
Morrison,
36, now
claims that
he was an
original
member of
the band as
well and
wrote their
1974 hit
"S*gar B*by
L*ve",
citing his
hat as the
key
witness.
Legendary
Plasterfield
style queen,
J**n Sc*bie,
fashion editor at
the
much respected Steinish
& Melbost
Livestock Classifieds
Quarterly, is
reported to
have examined Morrison's
dodgy 70s
style
headgear and
pronounced
it the
genuine
article.
"Nobody but
a R*bette
would be
seen dead in
that hat",
the top SY
fashionista
is reported
to have told
lawyers.
"Except
maybe thon
cove out of
the W*terboys. Or
someone who
thought they
were him."
Guireans Win
Top Scottish
Arts Award
But Hippy
Entrepreneur Disappears
with $1bn
Cash Prize
Keeping a
low profile
for tax
purposes,
The
Hippy looks
on
while front
man "Kevin"
picks up the
£10m Cash
Prize
Parkend
Observer, 1
July 2005,
The National
Galleries of
Scotland,
Edinburgh:
Occasional
Guirean and
reclusive
Vatisker bohemian Niall
"Hippy" Shaw was
honoured yesterday
at the 2005 Engage
Scotland
Visual Arts
Education
Awards. Shaw
and his
collaborators
had managed
to persuade
judges that
thon
"Wireless"
cardboard
box they
knocked up
last year -
which
included a
mini CD
containing
some
Guireans
tracks - was
a major
artisitic
endeavour of
great
benefit to
the mental
health of
the Western
Isles.
Contributors
to the
project are
now
expecting
their share
of the £20k
prize,
but neither
the cash nor
the Hippy
have been
seen since
the event.
Sources
close to the
bearded
maverick
businessman
yesterday
reported
that he had
embarked on
a "round the
world
balloon
trip" and
was
unavailable
for comment.
Full Story -
Click Here:
Back
Stories:
Coinneach
and CJ take
out contract
on new AGOFR
management
rival. "Never
Trust a
Hippy" says
Ken.
"Why
Didn't I
Think Of
That?" Rages
Matheson Rd
Pop Svengali
Mitchell
(57) AGOFR's
New
Branson? Hippy Plans
Ness-Tolsta
Bullet Train
Link