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  The Old News

What's Not Fresh - Old News from the Guireans Front Page

LATEST NEWS:

29 July 2008 - Ken Is Cruisin' : Plook CEO's Holiday Pics Horror

A' ghiadh mhor! Guireans manager and Plook Records CEO Ken "Cap'n Borve" Livingstone has been on holiday, swanning around on a tropical cruise at his clients' expense (again). The portly record mogul has returned with a cameraful of gruesome pictures of himself in inappropriate holiday attire, demanding that they should all be posted on this site. 

On grounds of good taste we have refused to publish all but one, so if you really want to see Coinneach's holiday snap, Click Here.

But be warned - that's an ordinary swimming pool he's sitting in. It only looks like a jaccuzi because our Coinneach was in the habit of getting his money's worth at the Captain's 24 Hour All-You-Can-Eat Artichoke Cabbage 'n' Bean Buffet. If you look at the expression of the blone on the left of the picture, you'll see that this must be true.


28 March 2008

Chaymuss Petrie Is 40

 

Jimmy Petrie, in Starsky Wig, not Yesterday

James "Chaymuss" Petrie (48), "talented" drummer, keyboard player and youngest of the original founder Guireans, celebrated his 40th Birthday the other day, but we've only just remembered.

Despite having been assassinated in 1980, and living a wicked life ever since (Rangers addiction, fast tractors, Benbecula, smoking round the back of Ge*rdie G*lidy's house, imaginary ecclesiastical arson, more fast tractors and Magners abuse), the cove's not looking too bad on it.

At least he's still got his hair. Many Happy Returns, ya jammy bleigeard. 

 

Feb 15, 2007:

Guireans Manager Diversifies into Adult Leisure Services

(Crom)Wall Street Journal Feb 15: Concerned at the low Q4 profitability of his Plook Records empire in 2006, Guireans manager Coinneach "Huge Heifer" Livingstone, CA, has revealed plans to extend his portfolio into the lucrative Adult Leisure Services sector.

Arriving at a press conference in the alley behind the Lewis, driving a white stretch tractor with leopardskin upholstered trailer, Livingstone (53) announced the establishment of an international chain of upmarket "executive relief" centres stretching from Laxdale to Bridge Cottages.

Livingstone admitted that that he had so far experienced some difficulty recruiting High Class Laydeez (or any other ones) to work in his new vice emporia, but denied that he was having to make up the shortfall by servicing his customers' contractual requirements personally in the interim.

The press conference was abruptly terminated by the arrival of a Spanish trawler at No. 1 Pier, at which point the Plook CEO made his excuses and left, applying mascara and muttering something about "keeping overheads down".

 


26/3/2006 - John Allan Hits the Big 4-0!

John_Allan_40th 

Congratulations to founding Guirean John Burrell Allan, who joins the ranks of post-menopausal Guireans today.

Credited as "Drum Botcher" and "Keyboard Botcher" on the 1st Guireans LP in 1979, John Allan is now Director of Botching at the North of Scotland's Number 1 Construction Botching organisation, the legendary U*st B*tch*rs.

John is also alleged to have led a double life as the slick bryllcreemed frontman of ultra-greasy doo-wop merchants R*cky Sh*rpe & the R*plays. But that probably wasn't him.


 

Actorrrr set to Make s in R*bettes Court Case 

Actorr_Rubettes_Court_Case 

Roddy Morrison Telling a Blone in the Clachan that he was going to be loaded, yesterday

Newvalley Musical Express, 4 October 2005 : Unemployed Barony Square thespian and occasional "musician" Rod "Morison" Morrison is set to make millions of dollars from this weeks controversial R*bettes court case, he told any blone that would speak to him down town yesterday.

Two factions of the flat-capped 70s screech merchants are currently locked in a vicious court battle for the R*bettes name (see http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/music/4308468.stm )

However, emaciated wannabee Time Lord Morrison, 36, now claims that he was an original member of the band as well and wrote their 1974 hit "S*gar B*by L*ve", citing his hat as the key witness. 

Legendary Plasterfield style queen, J**n Sc*bie, fashion editor at the much respected Steinish & Melbost Livestock Classifieds Quarterly, is reported to have examined Morrison's dodgy 70s style headgear and pronounced it the genuine article.

"Nobody but a  R*bette would be seen dead in that hat",  the top SY fashionista is reported to have told lawyers. "Except maybe thon cove out of the W*terboys. Or someone who thought they were him." 

 


 

 

Guireans Win Top Scottish Arts Award

But Hippy Entrepreneur Disappears with $1bn Cash Prize

Engage_Scotland_2005_Kevin Engage_Scotland_2005_Hippy

Keeping a low profile for tax purposes, The Hippy looks on while front man "Kevin" picks up the 10m Cash Prize

Parkend Observer, 1 July 2005, The National Galleries of Scotland, Edinburgh: Occasional Guirean and reclusive Vatisker bohemian Niall "Hippy" Shaw was honoured yesterday at the 2005 Engage Scotland Visual Arts Education Awards. Shaw and his collaborators had managed to persuade judges that thon "Wireless" cardboard box they knocked up last year - which included a mini CD containing some Guireans tracks - was a major artisitic endeavour of great benefit to the mental health of the Western Isles.

Contributors to the project are now expecting their share of the 20k prize, but neither the cash nor the Hippy have been seen since the event. Sources close to the bearded maverick businessman yesterday reported that he had embarked on a "round the world balloon trip" and was unavailable for comment.

Full Story - Click Here:

Back Stories: Coinneach and CJ take out contract on new AGOFR management rival.  "Never Trust a Hippy" says Ken. "Why Didn't I Think Of That?" Rages Matheson Rd Pop Svengali Mitchell (57)  AGOFR's New Branson?  Hippy Plans Ness-Tolsta Bullet Train Link